life in general

I have been working non stop. I am either a mom or a college student. Both things together makes me extremely exhausted. Somedays I don’t even want to get out of bed. I feel that I am in a rut, and I want so badly to be out of it. A friend told me just last week that I need to stop hiding behind my school work. I really did not understand it at the time, but I totally get it now. I find myself, not only having time for my kids, not having time for myself. I guess I need to focus on that.

I saw a really good psychologist this week. She told me I need to take time for myself (again!!) and to stop blaming myself for everything that happens. When you are a mom, you just think everything is your fault. At least I do. I always feel that if I was to do something different, then the outcome would be a lot better. I even blame myself for my husband not finding a job yet. Somehow, it is my fault. The doctor told me that I would benefit from cognitive behavior therapy. She kept telling me that I have “damn good insurance” and I need to take advantage of that. It makes me wonder what it would feel like to be optimistic. David is optimistic all the time, he seems happy. She also thinks that I need grief therapy. I totally agree with that one.

I also have been trying to go to the gym more. When I go, I feel a little better. I just zone out on the bike or treadmill. It is mind numbing, and I don’t think about the other crap that is going on around me. I love my family, I love my husband, but us being with out a job equals more stress for me. I just have to keep going, one day at a time.

Advertisements

My Mom

I am walking around a store. I come across the best Mother’s Day present for my Mom. Then I remembered….

So when is this pain ever going to stop? When am I going to get over the loss of my Mom? This is an everyday thing. Almost 4 months have past since she left this world, but everyday I think of something that she would like or do. I see my kids, being goofy, and how much she would enjoy being with them right now. I miss calling her, and hearing her voice. Before she got really sick, I would talk to her a least once a day. I miss sending her pictures of the kids. I miss showing her the Florida weather. I have yet to walk on the beach since she died, because that was her favorite place. 

So how do I get on? Really, this is a question that I ask. It has not been any easier with time. I can’t even imagine what my Dad is going through. If I feel this bad, he has to be 100 times worse. 

So, Mother’s Day will be hard. 

Image..

Me, trying to be happy with Me.

I am a woman who has struggled with my weight my whole adult life. I have tried everything to get it off. I think that it likes me way too much. A friend of mine posted on her blog how she just had gastric bypass. I know that is a hard decision to make. One of my close friends had the same procedure a few years ago, and I swear she came out a new person. I am so proud of her and her many accomplishments.

But, my mom also had the same procedure done. She was one of those rare cases where everything bad that could happen, happened. My dad and I think that one of the many reasons she passed, it could of started with that. I saw what it did to my mom… so that is why I will never have weight loss surgery.

Don’t get me wrong. This is a personal decision for anyone. This is mine. 

I have decided to get my inspiration from three different people in my life. One rides his stationary bike everyday. He even uses google maps to “track” where he has been and where he is going. Number two is this friend of mine who lives life to the fullest, and is always happy about herself and everyone around her. I miss her so much, and her family. I can’t wait to hopefully see them this summer. Number 3, of course, is my husband. He doesn’t care what I lose. He keeps telling me how healthy I am (which I am…for a fatty) and he tells me all the time about how I am his trophy wife.

Last night I did three flights of stairs without killing myself, so all this running around must be doing something. I just have to get to the point in my head that I am healthy and loved. I have to be happy with me.

Image

HAHA.. The woes of Momhood

So here I am, sitting at my desk. I am checking on my kids grades online to make sure that they are on track. Of course, there are a few items that must be taken care of. I have to leave for work before two of them get home. So I write sticky notes for all 3 kiddos. They all have the assignments that they need to finish. I put the stickies on my husband’s office door. You know, so he can handle it. I already know what is going to happen. My 16 year old will yell at me and tell me it is all her teacher’s fault. My 12 year old will tell me it is too late to turn in. And my 11 year old most likely will not get it done because my husband can’t completely figure out his math homeschool program.

I need more hours in the day, because I do not have enough time to take care of the house, kids, and work at the same time. Or, my husband needs to find an awesome job that pays feel, so that I do not have to work. I would be still short time because I literally have the messiest family in the world. I am serious. No, really serious.

So why is there not a manual for all of this? I will never understand. Maybe when the youngest, who is 3 right now, will be the one who I don’t have to get after all the time….yeah right. He is the most rambunctious of them all. 

Back to the ol’ drawing board for me. But I do have to say, even though they drive me crazy, they sure are cute. Plus, they do give the best hugs any Mom would ever want.Image

So, I have this thing

I have this thing that I want to share with the reading public. 

My husband, he is a great guy. He served his country for 26 years. He retired from service last year. During his many years of service, he received injuries related to his job. He has bad feet and knees from jumping out of airplanes, he has a bad neck, flat teeth, he is deaf, and has ADD. This is just a small list of complaints. What is troubling is the fact that the VA is taking forever on processing his paperwork. We have been told that we could be waiting a year, if not longer, to find out what the Army will help him with. Ugh…

So, right now, my husband is using what he got out of the Army. His GI Bill. Yes, my husband is getting his second Bachelor’s Degree. This one is in math. So, as the dutiful wife, I went and got a part time job to help make ends meet. Here is my tale.

To whom it may concern,

I deliver your pizza. Not only do I deliver your pizza, I may have been the one who made it. When I am not delivering pizza, I clean, prep, take out the trash, take orders on the phone… basically everything. Did you know that I only get paid $5.50 an hour for this? So I rely heavily on my tips. When your receipt says there is a delivery charge of $2.50, guess what? I only get $1 of that. I also deliver in a wide area range. Sometimes I may only get 1 delivery an hour because of traffic. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am very good at my job. I am also not a high school student. I am a mom of 4 children. I am also a wife to a recently retired Army man who has served our country for 26 long years. He is currently going to school to better himself for a job that he desperately wants in this low economy. 

So remember, the next time you order a pizza, tip well. It could be a mom, or dad, who is doing everything they can to support their family.

Sincerely,

Your local Pizza Delivery Driver